I have a theory about piñatas:

I have a theory about piñatas:

It was a man who invented the first piñata,

but it was his wife who filled it with candy.

What’s a piñata?  Here’s a quick definition:

Hispanic -  a decorated papier-mâché container of candy or small gifts that is hung and is hit and broken open by a blindfolded person.

If you’ve ever watched America’s Funniest Videos, then you are familiar with piñatas.  What makes them exciting for the children is candy (flavored sugar)!  What makes them exciting for the adults is the same sense of danger in skydiving or bungee jumping.  When the children unleash their blindfolded fury on the unsuspecting piñata, this sense of dread is replaced by either the explosion of candy raining from above, or the explosion of pain in some adult who was not paying close enough attention.

Sometimes, life is like that.  Some days you’re on the giving end of the stick and some days you’re on the receiving end.  Sometimes life comes at us in a fury of blows.

My favorite instructor once stated, “Life is neither neat, nor fair.  But, life is good and worth the living.”  This is true.

The question then, is this:  when life is messy and unfair, or even scary and painful - when life hits you unexpectedly, and then hits you again – what comes out of you?  Is it sweet? Uplifting? Honoring?  Or, does it tend to be harsh? Abrasive? Insulting?  When you are overly stressed (and that is almost everyone at some point), do your words and actions and attitudes build people up or tear them down?

I am convinced that our actions reveal our beliefs.  In other words, our beliefs are revealed in our actions.  What will our actions and attitudes teach our children about handling the pressures of life?  How will our children learn to handle relational friction by watching our example?  What will we model as the correct way to handle the problems in life? 

Do we talk about forgiveness?  That’s good.  Then, do we walk the talk - putting our advice into action?  That is very good!  When our children see us live the example of what we teach them, they see our words put into action.  We teach by saying do as I say, and here is how you do it.

They will see that when life is messy and unfair, or even scary and painful - when life hits you unexpectedly, and then hits you again – what comes out of you can be sweet… uplifting… even honoring to God and others.  They will learn that words and actions and attitudes can build people up instead of tearing them down.

Do you travel alone?

I believe that we walk through many valleys in life.  Some are pleasantly trying, and some are terrifyingly dark and painful.  Some are valleys of our own choosing; some, of our own making.  Sometimes we follow the crowd into valleys, and some valleys we stumble into blindly.  Sometimes, we travel alone.  However we get there, our lives are marked by these trials – these valleys.

 Ya know, there’s a funny thing about valleys.  Valleys are not a place you go to, valleys are a place you go through.  A valley is a tunnel with no roof.  You enter at one end, travel all the way through and out the other side.

Scripture is clear that if you choose to do so, God will let you go through these trials alone (Luke 15; Romans 1).  When we choose to do so, God gives us over to do whatever shameful things our hearts desire – He let’s us go.  We will travel alone…  alone and lonely.  Facing whatever harm awaits, we will face it alone.  Facing the evils which lurk in the shadows, we will face them alone.  Having told God, “I don’t want You.  I’ll do this by myself.” He will honor our choice and let us go… alone and lonely.

On the other hand, Scripture is equally clear that we can choose to walk with God, and we will never walk alone.

“Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me.  You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help.  These comfort me.”  Psalm 23.4 (NLV)

We can reach up and take God’s hand, and walk with Him – side by side.  He will guide us through the valley.  He will guard us from the evil in the shadows and protect us from that which would harm us.

Make no mistake.  You come to God on His terms, or you do not come to God.  He does not negotiate.  He does not make deals.  He makes an offer.  He offers a free gift, and He offers it, “as is”… take it or leave it.

And when, finally, you come to the final valley – that dark valley of the shadow of death – God will allow you to take Him by the hand.  He will take you into that valley… all the way through… out the other side and on to home…

 …and you will have nothing to fear, for He is with you.

Vote? or Opinion?

With this warning in mind, if you choose to be offended by the opinions I express, I am sorry that I just stepped on your toes, but I think the Lord was aiming for your heart.

Wow, where to begin!  The problem is that too many people are confused about what they have and what they do not have.  The reason is that most do not have what they think they have.  In other words, what they have is not what they think it is.

Whew, now that I’ve cleared that up so well, let me explain what I’m talking about by illustrating.  One particularly frazzled parent came to me with her child following leisurely behind her.  It was clear that the child had no intention of doing what Mom wanted, or at least, not how Mom wanted it done.  Translation:  the child is in charge.  This is too much responsibility for a preschooler.  (Let me be clear:  it is too much responsibility for any minor.)

Once Mom poured out her frustration and exasperation through her tears, I asked for permission to speak with her child.  Then, I addressed the child under the table and coaxed him to come out and talk with me.  I leaned over, eye to eye and said, “I need to ask you to forgive me, because we have confused you.  We have allowed you to believe that you have something called a vote.  What you have is called an opinion, but you do not have a vote.  Here’s what that means:  you get to listen to your teachers, and you get to obey your teachers.  The adults will make all of the decisions for you, so you won’t have to make any more decisions about what you want to do here.  You get to participate in the class activities, and you get to enjoy yourself.  How does that sound to you?”

The metamorphosis was dramatic.  This little boy gradually stood up straight and permitted a smile to spread across his whole face.  It was sort of like a flower turning and expanding to meet the sunrise.  Then, he said, “Really?!”  And, when I assured him that it was true, the boy began to jump around with joy-filled excitement and ask his Mom if he could go back to his classroom right now.

Parents must never surrender control to any child!  The children are not the parent.  The parent is the parent.  {Let me know if I get to be too confusing.}  No child should have a vote unless the parent(s) decide that the child will have a vote.  And, the parents can always out-vote the child(ren), but the child(ren) are not permitted the power to out-vote the parent(s). 

If this sounds dishonoring to the child(ren), then here is the balance.  As the children grow older, I say something like this:  “Your Mom and I have a decision to make concerning you, and we want your opinion.”  Then, when the youngster communicates his desires or preferences, I say again, “Alright, thanks for letting us know how you feel about it.  We will keep it in mind as we make our decision.”

Imagine a bridge with no side rails.  Would you still travel over that bridge at 70 mph nearest the side?  No, you would travel much slower and as close to the middle of the bridge as possible.  Clearly, the rails do restrict our travel, by preventing us from plummeting off of the bridge.  But, they do not inhibit us.  Contrariwise, they provide a safe boundary which permits is to thrive and excel!

If boundaries are absent from the child’s life, including parental authority, then the child is forced to adjust in unhealthy ways.  In essence, the child becomes responsible for his own well-being.  That's what being in charge means here!  But, when the child is confident that his parent(s) will make the necessary decisions to provide safe boundaries, then that child will have the freedom to thrive and excel!

The rest of the story is that, in simple things such as:  ice cream flavors, which movie to see, which game we play for family nights, etc., we let the children decide.  However, they never get to decide things like:  relational boundaries, physical boundaries, curfews, etc.  God gave them parents to make those decisions for them.  It is part of keeping them safe, even from themselves.  

Let me summarize all of this:  

• Children do not have something called a vote.  What they have is called an opinion.  They have a voice, but no vote.  Here's the catch:  their voice doesn't count until they give their obedience.  No obedience = no voice.
• Parents have a vote.  Their voice is their vote.  The parent is the ultimate authority in the home.  They are in charge = responsible for the family's well-being.  Think:  Benevolent Dictator.

Parents, do not forget that as the children grow older, say something like this:  “Your Mom and I have a decision to make concerning you, and we want your opinion.”  Then, when the youngster communicates his desires or preferences, say again, “Alright, thanks for letting us know how you feel about it.  We will keep it in mind as we make our decision.”

Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

The Bible tells us, “Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.  But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59.1-2).

Being a guy, my first reaction is, “Hey, I can fix this!  If it’s bad that has caused this problem, then I’ll do good to fix it.”

But, the Bible also tells us, “We are all infected and impure with sin.  When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.  Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind” (Isaiah 64.6).  And, “without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness” (Hebrews 9.22).

Guess what.  I cannot fix this.  My sins have separated me from God, and I am helpless to change that.  So, I do my “sin list”.  It is the thing I hate to do more than anything else, but it must be done.  I start by sitting down with a pad of paper and a pen – no phones, no people, no distractions, no interruptions.  Then, I begin, “Father, I have sinned against you.  What have I allowed to come between us?  What have I put in Your place in my life?  What have I pursued instead of You?”

Varied things, specific things will flood my mind – faster than I’m able to put on paper.  But, I do put them on paper.  I record my sins on paper as God lists them in my mind as a Judge would list charges against the accused... and I know that I am guilty.  Each charge hits me like a tidal wave, crushing me with a shuddering crash.

Then, “Ok, Lord, what else?”  And, the process begins again...  and, again… and again… as many times as it takes until there is nothing left undone.  When my list, my sin list, is complete, I begin to confess it – one item at a time – to God.  Agreeing with Him about the putrid nature of my own sin, and begging Him to please forgive me, I pour my soul out before Him.  I collapse at His feet like a small child who knows that he has disappointed Dad and broken His heart.

And then, I am ashamed

…of all that I allowed to come between my Lord and I…

…of all that I wrongly put into His rightful place in my life…

…of all that I wholeheartedly chased after…

…of all that I did to neglect and reject the God who loves me so much that
He would rather die than live without me…

I place my list of confessed sins in the BBQ pit and pray, “Lord, I am ashamed of all that this list represents.  I want to hide it from You, but I know that You desire every bit of me – including the bad and the ugly.  So, here it is.  I present this most unworthy gift as an act of obedience to You.”

And then, I light the 4 corners of the paper.  In my mind’s eye, what I observe next is that God scoops up that list and crumbles it up in flames… and it is gone.  It will never return.  It’s vanished.

It’s gone and I’m forgiven (1 John 1.9).  And, it feels as if I dropped a telephone pole from across my shoulders to the ground.  And then, I drop, too.  I am little more than a puddle of jelly.  I’ve got nothing left.  I am spent.

And then God…                     (Matthew 11.28)

… scoops me up in His gentle hands and wraps His strong arms around me…

… loves me up close and whispers to me:

“Thank you”…

“Of course I forgive you”…

“I’ve missed you, too”…

“I wondered how long you would carry that load”

“Welcome home”

I need to leave nothing undone.  So now, I have a 2^nd list.  It's a list of people I’ve sinned against.  I need to confess my sins and seek their forgiveness, too.

Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

I guess it’s time to repent and seek forgiveness again.

As I endure, I mature.

We plant a seed.  We plant a kernel of wheat to get more wheat.  But, we don't get wheat.  Instead, we get a plant - a plant that doesn't even look like wheat.

Our plant needs attention:  resources, and protection, and nurture... and time.  Our initial sacrifice of a kernel of wheat was the small part of the cost, and we still don't have a return on our sacrifice - our investment.  Contrariwise, the cost keeps going up.  Our plant keeps demanding more and more.

This may not seem fair, but it is reality.  It is necessary.  It is required.  We can choose to quit and receive nothing.  We can choose to endure and receive the natural results of the process - 30, 60, or even 100 times as much as we planted.


We plant a kernel of wheat.                           God grows a plant.
We care for the plant.                                     God grows wheat.

 So, what's the point?

I routinely pray, "Lord, I want to know You more, and please make me more like Jesus."  I get trials and temptations of various kinds.  It doesn't look like I got what I was after.  But, then I read in James 1.2-4,

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I want to know Him more.  He gives me opportunity to exercise my faith in Him.
I want to be more like Jesus.  He grows my character through trials and temptations.

As I endure, I mature.

As I endure the trials, I encounter God as He sustains me, encourages me, strengthens me, comforts me.  I come to know Him more intimately.

Perseverance is not the goal.  It is simply the mark of those who love the Lord.  But, perseverance will grow me up.  It will make me more mature and complete... more like Jesus.

I want to know Him more and to be more like Him.

I get trials, and temptations of various kinds.

I seize these opportunities to exercise my faith in Him.

I get to know Him more and become more like Him...

30, 60, or even 100 times as much as before.

Deal-Breakers

When someone asks me to do their wedding ceremony, I insist on meeting with them before I commit to do their ceremony.  One area I pry into is deal-breakers.  This usually goes something like this:

“Is there anything in him/her that you cannot live with for the rest of your life?  
Is there anything about him/her that you won’t let your child(ren) live with?”

For example:

-          Abuse:  physical, sexual, verbal, emotional

-          Addictions:  substances, pornography, behaviors, relationships

-          Infidelity:  let’s talk intimacy – physical, emotional, spiritual

For all of these things, repentance is required so that the relationship can be reconciled.  Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but, reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.  If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.

I can only recommend courses of action.  I cannot force anyone to do anything.  Also, these are very general, because the details will vary dramatically from one relationship to another. 

For pre-marital counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the other individual(s).  If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  If there is infidelity (physical), then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  Notice that I refer to them as, “Deal-Breakers.”

For marriage counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend separation now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include calling the Police, an attorney, and a counselor(s) who is able to provide long-term counseling.  The boundaries will include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend help now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  These may include separation, detox clinic, AA (or equivalent), counseling (individual and together), accountability to a handful of hand-picked men (including financial accountability to account for every dollar).  Accountability software is a great idea if the computer is used to feed any addiction(s).  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If there is infidelity (physical or emotional), then I recommend boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, scrutinizing the phone records, access to all areas of the computer (including passwords), counseling (individual and together), and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

For all of these things, repentance is required
so that the relationship can be reconciled.

Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but,
reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  

Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.
If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.

Communication = What did you say? I wasn’t listening.

I asked one of my sons to dump the compost bucket out by the garden and to take the ½ & ½ which had gone bad, too.  He said, “Ok” and headed to the kitchen.  My wife stopped him and told me to ask him what I had said.  So, I did.  Then, with a sigh, which revealed a bit of aggravation, my son replied, “You said, ‘Dump out the compost bucket with ½ on one side of the garden and ½ on the other side.’”

What we had there was a failure to communicate.

For communication to occur, there are 3, and only 3, necessary components.  You can add anything to them and still have communication, but if you take away any of these 3, then you do not have communication.  Communication is a message with both a sender and a receiver.  If the receiver chooses to reject the message, or disbelieve the message, then communication can still occur as long as the receiver understands the message.

Communication = message + sender + receiver

 

Some common obstacles to communication include:

• Not sending the message
• Not being clear when sending the message
• Not listening
• Passive listening

Not sending the message:  someone simply shuts up and doesn’t speak.  Well, even when this happens, they are sending a message, but it is usually, “Leave me alone”.

Not being clear when sending the message:  finally diagnosing this problem may have saved our marriage.  It certainly saved us many headaches and heartaches.

I would say something and my wife would react with heat.  I would shout, “That’s not what I meant.”  And she would shout back, “Then, why did you say it?”  So, I would say something else and my wife would react with more heat.  I would shout, “That’s not what I meant either.”  And she would shout back, “Then, why did you say it?”

On this would continue until, at long last, she would ask, “Wait a minute, are you saying this?”  My cautious response would be something like, “Not exactly, but that’s getting closer.”  At this point, we were beginning to dig me out of the hole I’d been digging.  When, finally, she would say, “Oh, you’re trying to say this…”, then I would sift it around for awhile until I would declare triumphantly, “Yes, I think that’s it!”  Her encouraging reply was something like, “We were never going to get there from where you started.”

From this dialogue, we developed our “Do-over” rule.  I love the “Do-over” rule!

Not listening:  What did you say?  I wasn’t listening.

Passive listening:  someone simply isn’t paying attention.  The easiest way to identify when this is happening is when I turn and ask something brainless like:  “Did you just say, ‘Put lime in it?’”  And the answer is always something simple like:  “No.  I said, ‘What time is it?’”

If the person is speaking directly to me, and I am aware of it, then I communicate that the person(s) talking to me aren’t really important enough for me to pay attention to them.  How dishonoring!  However, it’s not possible to pay full attention to everything that goes on around you, so passive listening will naturally occur from time to time.  When this happens, Passive listening does provide some laughs. 

For example:  my son replied, “You said, ‘Dump out the compost bucket with ½ on one side of the garden and ½ on the other side.’”