Deal-Breakers

When someone asks me to do their wedding ceremony, I insist on meeting with them before I commit to do their ceremony.  One area I pry into is deal-breakers.  This usually goes something like this:

“Is there anything in him/her that you cannot live with for the rest of your life?  
Is there anything about him/her that you won’t let your child(ren) live with?”

For example:

-          Abuse:  physical, sexual, verbal, emotional

-          Addictions:  substances, pornography, behaviors, relationships

-          Infidelity:  let’s talk intimacy – physical, emotional, spiritual

For all of these things, repentance is required so that the relationship can be reconciled.  Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but, reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.  If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.

I can only recommend courses of action.  I cannot force anyone to do anything.  Also, these are very general, because the details will vary dramatically from one relationship to another. 

For pre-marital counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the other individual(s).  If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  If there is infidelity (physical), then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  Notice that I refer to them as, “Deal-Breakers.”

For marriage counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend separation now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include calling the Police, an attorney, and a counselor(s) who is able to provide long-term counseling.  The boundaries will include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend help now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  These may include separation, detox clinic, AA (or equivalent), counseling (individual and together), accountability to a handful of hand-picked men (including financial accountability to account for every dollar).  Accountability software is a great idea if the computer is used to feed any addiction(s).  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If there is infidelity (physical or emotional), then I recommend boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, scrutinizing the phone records, access to all areas of the computer (including passwords), counseling (individual and together), and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

For all of these things, repentance is required
so that the relationship can be reconciled.

Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but,
reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  

Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.
If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.