Do you travel alone?

I believe that we walk through many valleys in life.  Some are pleasantly trying, and some are terrifyingly dark and painful.  Some are valleys of our own choosing; some, of our own making.  Sometimes we follow the crowd into valleys, and some valleys we stumble into blindly.  Sometimes, we travel alone.  However we get there, our lives are marked by these trials – these valleys.

 Ya know, there’s a funny thing about valleys.  Valleys are not a place you go to, valleys are a place you go through.  A valley is a tunnel with no roof.  You enter at one end, travel all the way through and out the other side.

Scripture is clear that if you choose to do so, God will let you go through these trials alone (Luke 15; Romans 1).  When we choose to do so, God gives us over to do whatever shameful things our hearts desire – He let’s us go.  We will travel alone…  alone and lonely.  Facing whatever harm awaits, we will face it alone.  Facing the evils which lurk in the shadows, we will face them alone.  Having told God, “I don’t want You.  I’ll do this by myself.” He will honor our choice and let us go… alone and lonely.

On the other hand, Scripture is equally clear that we can choose to walk with God, and we will never walk alone.

“Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me.  You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help.  These comfort me.”  Psalm 23.4 (NLV)

We can reach up and take God’s hand, and walk with Him – side by side.  He will guide us through the valley.  He will guard us from the evil in the shadows and protect us from that which would harm us.

Make no mistake.  You come to God on His terms, or you do not come to God.  He does not negotiate.  He does not make deals.  He makes an offer.  He offers a free gift, and He offers it, “as is”… take it or leave it.

And when, finally, you come to the final valley – that dark valley of the shadow of death – God will allow you to take Him by the hand.  He will take you into that valley… all the way through… out the other side and on to home…

 …and you will have nothing to fear, for He is with you.

IMPULSE BUY:  something a shopper buys on impulse, having had no previous intention of doing so.

There’s a reason the stores put so many items near the register.  Having seen them, we will want them.  Often, that is all the motivation we will need to purchase something.  The stores’ hope is that this will become a habit.

Your children also notice these items.  And, if it becomes a pattern on your part to purchase something to pacify your child, then this behavior will be reinforced for both of you.  Your child got what he wanted.  And you got a reprieve from a potential tantrum.

What your child has learned is this:  if I make a threat of undesirable behavior, Dad or Mom will give me what I want!

Let’s face reality, we are all selfish, lazy critters.  Wouldn’t we all prefer to have whatever we want, whenever we want it?  Wouldn’t we all like to call the shots in our life without having to submit to anyone or anything else?  Of course we would.  The Bible calls this sin and it’s just as true for your wonderful child as it is for that wonderful person in your mirror.

For example, your child will learn that when he can wear Mom or Dad down enough, then they will give in.  Or, if he gives them the choice between what he wants to do and some worse behavior, Dad and Mom will usually give him what he wants – “choosing the lesser of two evils”.

Why do parents give in?  Well, there’s a variety of reasons.  We love our children and we want to “make them happy”.  But, I think if we truly examined why we give in so easily, I think we’d say because it pays off in the short-term – no more whining which means relief for my headache.

The “impulse buy” approach to parenting functions for the short-term.  So, what’s the problem?  When this is our default pattern, then we are not parenting.  Contrariwise, our children are in charge.  When children are permitted to be in charge, then the family is not functioning properly.  This is called a dysfunctional family.  

Let me illustrate why.  A truck can pull a trailer down the highway at 70 mph quite easily, because it is designed to work that way.  The truck leads the trailer and determines every aspect of speed and direction.  That truck can even push that trailer in reverse at low speeds, but this is more difficult.  Now, if that truck attempts to push that trailer in reverse at 70 mph, then there will be severe damage to the trailer and truck both, because it was never intended to work that way.  The trailer is not capable of leading the truck.  

In the same way, families which permit the children to be in charge were never intended to work that way, and there will be severe damage to the family as a whole, as well as to each individual.

This is part of why Scripture commands us:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22.6).

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you” (Exodus 20.12).

“Fathers, bring up [your children] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6.4).

 The word we translate as discipline in Ephesians 6.4 is an active verb, and is defined as follows:

1) the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and
punishment) It also includes the training and care of the body
2) whatever in adults also cultivates the soul, esp. by correcting mistakes and curbing passions
2a) instruction which aims at increasing virtue
2b) chastisement, chastening, (of the evils with which God visits men for their amendment)

Therefore, if we, as parents, will be obedient to these verses, then we will cultivate our child(ren)s' hearts and minds through commands, rebukes, reprimands and punishments, to correct mistakes and curb their passions for the purpose of training and education to increase virtue.  In other words, we will actively discourage their own sinful desires by clear instruction and boundaries.  When they defy those instructions and cross those boundaries, then that is when the rebukes, reprimands and punishments come into play.  

The other half of this training and education involves encouraging virtuous behaviors and attitudes.  Accept and reward what you want to see again.  Refuse to accept what you do not want to see again.  Then, put a price tag on that unacceptable behavior and make it higher than the child is willing to pay.

Here's the bottom line.  The parent is to maintain control at all times, never relinquishing control to the child(ren).  However, the parent must balance this control with love for the child.  I call this style of parenting, "The Benevolent Dictator."

Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

The Bible tells us, “Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.  But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59.1-2).

Being a guy, my first reaction is, “Hey, I can fix this!  If it’s bad that has caused this problem, then I’ll do good to fix it.”

But, the Bible also tells us, “We are all infected and impure with sin.  When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.  Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind” (Isaiah 64.6).  And, “without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness” (Hebrews 9.22).

Guess what.  I cannot fix this.  My sins have separated me from God, and I am helpless to change that.  So, I do my “sin list”.  It is the thing I hate to do more than anything else, but it must be done.  I start by sitting down with a pad of paper and a pen – no phones, no people, no distractions, no interruptions.  Then, I begin, “Father, I have sinned against you.  What have I allowed to come between us?  What have I put in Your place in my life?  What have I pursued instead of You?”

Varied things, specific things will flood my mind – faster than I’m able to put on paper.  But, I do put them on paper.  I record my sins on paper as God lists them in my mind as a Judge would list charges against the accused... and I know that I am guilty.  Each charge hits me like a tidal wave, crushing me with a shuddering crash.

Then, “Ok, Lord, what else?”  And, the process begins again...  and, again… and again… as many times as it takes until there is nothing left undone.  When my list, my sin list, is complete, I begin to confess it – one item at a time – to God.  Agreeing with Him about the putrid nature of my own sin, and begging Him to please forgive me, I pour my soul out before Him.  I collapse at His feet like a small child who knows that he has disappointed Dad and broken His heart.

And then, I am ashamed

…of all that I allowed to come between my Lord and I…

…of all that I wrongly put into His rightful place in my life…

…of all that I wholeheartedly chased after…

…of all that I did to neglect and reject the God who loves me so much that
He would rather die than live without me…

I place my list of confessed sins in the BBQ pit and pray, “Lord, I am ashamed of all that this list represents.  I want to hide it from You, but I know that You desire every bit of me – including the bad and the ugly.  So, here it is.  I present this most unworthy gift as an act of obedience to You.”

And then, I light the 4 corners of the paper.  In my mind’s eye, what I observe next is that God scoops up that list and crumbles it up in flames… and it is gone.  It will never return.  It’s vanished.

It’s gone and I’m forgiven (1 John 1.9).  And, it feels as if I dropped a telephone pole from across my shoulders to the ground.  And then, I drop, too.  I am little more than a puddle of jelly.  I’ve got nothing left.  I am spent.

And then God…                     (Matthew 11.28)

… scoops me up in His gentle hands and wraps His strong arms around me…

… loves me up close and whispers to me:

“Thank you”…

“Of course I forgive you”…

“I’ve missed you, too”…

“I wondered how long you would carry that load”

“Welcome home”

I need to leave nothing undone.  So now, I have a 2^nd list.  It's a list of people I’ve sinned against.  I need to confess my sins and seek their forgiveness, too.

Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

I guess it’s time to repent and seek forgiveness again.

my Bucket lists... 1 John 1.9

Suddenly, I realized that I was exhausted.  I was exhausted and could not take another step.  My shoulders, arms, back and even my hands ached.  So, in a heap, I collapsed between the two buckets I had been carrying.  I could not go on.  This was as far as I was going to make it.  Furthermore, though my physical exhaustion was much easier to recognize and identify, I was emotionally spent, as well.

So, at last I began to look around me.  As if for the first time, I noticed that the buckets had something in them.  Oh, I knew they were full, but I had not given any thought as to what they held.  So, from the bucket on my right, I removed a piece of rubble – broken concrete which had no value.  It was about the size of a good cantaloupe and weighed a few pounds.

“Why am I carrying this thing around?  It’s not even mine; it belongs to someone else.  How did it get into my bucket?”  Well, it had been placed in my bucket, so without thinking about it, I carried it.  I had been carrying it faithfully… No.  No, I had been carrying it blindly for at least 6 months now.  But, it did not belong to me, so I threw it away. 

That felt good.

So, I reached back into the bucket and came up with another piece of rubble.  This one didn’t belong to me either, but I had stolen this one.  I felt responsible for this one, so I put it into my own bucket and had carried it ever since.  But, it did not belong to me, so I threw it away. 

That felt good, too.

Over and again I reached into that bucket that was filled with rubble which did not belong to me.  And, one piece at a time, I threw it all away.  I was bewildered that anyone could be dumb enough to carry a bucket like that.  But I had.  When I reached the bottom of the bucket, I didn’t need it anymore, because I had nothing to carry in it.  So, I threw it away, too.  Good?  It felt great!  It was downright liberating.

So, enthusiastically, I turned to the other bucket and removed yet another piece of rubble.  Uh oh, oh no, this one did belong to me.  I did this one and it was my responsibility.  I turned to God, with eyes downcast, “Lord, I did this.  It was nothing but my own selfish pride and I was wrong.  Will You please forgive me?”

You know what?  He did forgive me.  Then, He said, “What else is there in that bucket you’ve been carrying?”

So, I reached back into the bucket and came up with another piece of rubble.  Ouch!  This one not only belonged to me, but it had been worn smooth from frequent use.  I turned to God, with eyes downcast, “Lord, I did this, too.  It was nothing but my own selfish pride and I was wrong.  Will You please forgive me?”

You know what?  He did forgive me.  Then, once again, He said, “What else is there in that bucket?”

Over and again I reached into that bucket that was filled with my own rubble.  And, one by one, I brought them to my heavenly Father.  I confessed each and every one to Him, and I asked Him if there was any way that He could forgive me for yet another item on my list of sins that seemed to grow by the moment.  This was excruciating.  It was humiliating.  But, He did forgive me – one item at a time.  Then, in turn, I threw them all away.  I was bewildered that anyone could be dumb enough to carry a bucket like that for so long.  But I had.

When I reached the bottom of the bucket, I didn’t need it anymore either, because I had nothing left to carry in it.  So, I threw it away, too.  Good?  No, not good.  It felt glorious!

And, there I sat empty-handed, exhausted but refreshed and unhindered by the sins that had so easily entangled me for so long.  God had permitted me to dump them out and He took them away.  I was free - free to take Him by the hand, and He helped me to my feet.  My legs were still a bit wobbly, but I could lean on Him for stability.

When, I finally looked to see where I was, I turned around to discover what should have been no surprise.  That long, arduous journey which took me in so many circles, had, at long last, taken me right back to the cross.  

And, at that moment, it did not enter my mind that
He had taken away the sins of the world.  

All that I could think was that He had taken away mine.

Orienting your life

When I teach Scouts about how to use a map and compass, it always tickles me to hear them say things like, “I wouldn’t be lost if I had a compass or a map.”  So I say, “Without discussing it, point to North.”  Did you know that 6 Scouts can point in up to 6 directions? at the same time?  However, there will usually be 1 or 2 who change their mind to agree with a friend, so that leaves roughly 4 directions.

Now they each begin to have an uneasy feeling in the pit of their stomach which is trying to tell them that they don’t know what they’re talking about.  If I am feeling particularly mischievous, I hand them a map and repeat the order, “Without discussing it, point to North.”  The map doesn’t do much to clear up the confusion, but it does appear to do so for a moment.  When the Scouts see the compass rose on the map, they think it must be telling them which way North is in the real world.  Wrong.  That compass rose tells them which way North is on the map.  What they need is someone or something to tell them which way North is in the real world, so they can orient their map to the real world.  What they need is a compass.

We often do the same thing.  We often go through life thinking that we have it figured out.  We run from one distraction to the next until we find we’ve lost our bearings.  We’re lost.  We all have some sort of map by which we strive to navigate our way through life.  But maps don’t do much good unless they agree with truth.  Even if my map has all the correct information on it, and identifies where I am, I am still in trouble if my map says North is in the wrong direction.

The Bible is God’s Word, it is truth.  Whenever there is a discrepancy between my life and the Bible, it is my life which is wrong.  Where my life disagrees with the Bible, it is my life which must adjust.  I must change my life to line up with the Bible.  I must orient my life to agree with God’s Word.  Furthermore, the Bible is not only our compass, but also our map to guide us through life.

When I find myself in counseling situations of open, willful, defiant sin, I will use an example like this to try to help them see that we don’t get to tell the compass which way is North.  The compass tells us, and we must decide whether to submit.  If we choose to submit, then it will guide us.  If we choose to defy, then we do so at our own peril.

We don’t get to tell God what is right and what is wrong.  He tells us, and we decide whether to submit.  If we choose to submit to God, surrendering our lives to be lived in obedience to Him, then we have the benefit of His guidance, the comfort of His presence, and many other blessings besides.  However, if we choose to defy Him, then we do so at our own peril.