Vote? or Opinion?

With this warning in mind, if you choose to be offended by the opinions I express, I am sorry that I just stepped on your toes, but I think the Lord was aiming for your heart.

Wow, where to begin!  The problem is that too many people are confused about what they have and what they do not have.  The reason is that most do not have what they think they have.  In other words, what they have is not what they think it is.

Whew, now that I’ve cleared that up so well, let me explain what I’m talking about by illustrating.  One particularly frazzled parent came to me with her child following leisurely behind her.  It was clear that the child had no intention of doing what Mom wanted, or at least, not how Mom wanted it done.  Translation:  the child is in charge.  This is too much responsibility for a preschooler.  (Let me be clear:  it is too much responsibility for any minor.)

Once Mom poured out her frustration and exasperation through her tears, I asked for permission to speak with her child.  Then, I addressed the child under the table and coaxed him to come out and talk with me.  I leaned over, eye to eye and said, “I need to ask you to forgive me, because we have confused you.  We have allowed you to believe that you have something called a vote.  What you have is called an opinion, but you do not have a vote.  Here’s what that means:  you get to listen to your teachers, and you get to obey your teachers.  The adults will make all of the decisions for you, so you won’t have to make any more decisions about what you want to do here.  You get to participate in the class activities, and you get to enjoy yourself.  How does that sound to you?”

The metamorphosis was dramatic.  This little boy gradually stood up straight and permitted a smile to spread across his whole face.  It was sort of like a flower turning and expanding to meet the sunrise.  Then, he said, “Really?!”  And, when I assured him that it was true, the boy began to jump around with joy-filled excitement and ask his Mom if he could go back to his classroom right now.

Parents must never surrender control to any child!  The children are not the parent.  The parent is the parent.  {Let me know if I get to be too confusing.}  No child should have a vote unless the parent(s) decide that the child will have a vote.  And, the parents can always out-vote the child(ren), but the child(ren) are not permitted the power to out-vote the parent(s). 

If this sounds dishonoring to the child(ren), then here is the balance.  As the children grow older, I say something like this:  “Your Mom and I have a decision to make concerning you, and we want your opinion.”  Then, when the youngster communicates his desires or preferences, I say again, “Alright, thanks for letting us know how you feel about it.  We will keep it in mind as we make our decision.”

Imagine a bridge with no side rails.  Would you still travel over that bridge at 70 mph nearest the side?  No, you would travel much slower and as close to the middle of the bridge as possible.  Clearly, the rails do restrict our travel, by preventing us from plummeting off of the bridge.  But, they do not inhibit us.  Contrariwise, they provide a safe boundary which permits is to thrive and excel!

If boundaries are absent from the child’s life, including parental authority, then the child is forced to adjust in unhealthy ways.  In essence, the child becomes responsible for his own well-being.  That's what being in charge means here!  But, when the child is confident that his parent(s) will make the necessary decisions to provide safe boundaries, then that child will have the freedom to thrive and excel!

The rest of the story is that, in simple things such as:  ice cream flavors, which movie to see, which game we play for family nights, etc., we let the children decide.  However, they never get to decide things like:  relational boundaries, physical boundaries, curfews, etc.  God gave them parents to make those decisions for them.  It is part of keeping them safe, even from themselves.  

Let me summarize all of this:  

• Children do not have something called a vote.  What they have is called an opinion.  They have a voice, but no vote.  Here's the catch:  their voice doesn't count until they give their obedience.  No obedience = no voice.
• Parents have a vote.  Their voice is their vote.  The parent is the ultimate authority in the home.  They are in charge = responsible for the family's well-being.  Think:  Benevolent Dictator.

Parents, do not forget that as the children grow older, say something like this:  “Your Mom and I have a decision to make concerning you, and we want your opinion.”  Then, when the youngster communicates his desires or preferences, say again, “Alright, thanks for letting us know how you feel about it.  We will keep it in mind as we make our decision.”