Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

The Bible tells us, “Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.  But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59.1-2).

Being a guy, my first reaction is, “Hey, I can fix this!  If it’s bad that has caused this problem, then I’ll do good to fix it.”

But, the Bible also tells us, “We are all infected and impure with sin.  When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.  Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind” (Isaiah 64.6).  And, “without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness” (Hebrews 9.22).

Guess what.  I cannot fix this.  My sins have separated me from God, and I am helpless to change that.  So, I do my “sin list”.  It is the thing I hate to do more than anything else, but it must be done.  I start by sitting down with a pad of paper and a pen – no phones, no people, no distractions, no interruptions.  Then, I begin, “Father, I have sinned against you.  What have I allowed to come between us?  What have I put in Your place in my life?  What have I pursued instead of You?”

Varied things, specific things will flood my mind – faster than I’m able to put on paper.  But, I do put them on paper.  I record my sins on paper as God lists them in my mind as a Judge would list charges against the accused... and I know that I am guilty.  Each charge hits me like a tidal wave, crushing me with a shuddering crash.

Then, “Ok, Lord, what else?”  And, the process begins again...  and, again… and again… as many times as it takes until there is nothing left undone.  When my list, my sin list, is complete, I begin to confess it – one item at a time – to God.  Agreeing with Him about the putrid nature of my own sin, and begging Him to please forgive me, I pour my soul out before Him.  I collapse at His feet like a small child who knows that he has disappointed Dad and broken His heart.

And then, I am ashamed

…of all that I allowed to come between my Lord and I…

…of all that I wrongly put into His rightful place in my life…

…of all that I wholeheartedly chased after…

…of all that I did to neglect and reject the God who loves me so much that
He would rather die than live without me…

I place my list of confessed sins in the BBQ pit and pray, “Lord, I am ashamed of all that this list represents.  I want to hide it from You, but I know that You desire every bit of me – including the bad and the ugly.  So, here it is.  I present this most unworthy gift as an act of obedience to You.”

And then, I light the 4 corners of the paper.  In my mind’s eye, what I observe next is that God scoops up that list and crumbles it up in flames… and it is gone.  It will never return.  It’s vanished.

It’s gone and I’m forgiven (1 John 1.9).  And, it feels as if I dropped a telephone pole from across my shoulders to the ground.  And then, I drop, too.  I am little more than a puddle of jelly.  I’ve got nothing left.  I am spent.

And then God…                     (Matthew 11.28)

… scoops me up in His gentle hands and wraps His strong arms around me…

… loves me up close and whispers to me:

“Thank you”…

“Of course I forgive you”…

“I’ve missed you, too”…

“I wondered how long you would carry that load”

“Welcome home”

I need to leave nothing undone.  So now, I have a 2^nd list.  It's a list of people I’ve sinned against.  I need to confess my sins and seek their forgiveness, too.

Do you need a do-over?

Sometimes I need a do-over.  Life is neither neat, nor fair, and sometimes it simply gets heavier than I can carry.  I need to wipe the slate clean, start over, reset… I need a do-over.

I guess it’s time to repent and seek forgiveness again.

“We can’t find the heartbeat.”

It was November 2005, and it was the 2^nd time we’d heard this news.  The 1^st time was 6 years earlier while we were still living in Fort Worth for seminary.  Now, we were facing the possibility of another miscarriage.  The 1^st miscarriage was on my birthday.  And, now, we were just a couple weeks from my son’s birthday.  December 17 2005, Gabriel’s 8^th birthday… our 2^nd miscarriage… a most bittersweet day. 

Once again, we faced not only our own grief, but also the intimidating task of explaining to our children that the baby in Mom’s belly was gone.  It’s difficult enough to mourn the loss of someone you’ve never known, never seen, have no memories of, don’t know what they look like or who they are, and yet you love them so deeply.  But, now I’ve got the additional responsibility of helping my children to process this, as well.

We began to see the friction in how our children were acting out.  They became very short with each other - yelling and anger increased while laughter decreased.

So, here’s what we ended up doing. 

Picnic Dinner

            We picked up a couple of Pizzas & went to the State Park, where we knew we wouldn’t be disturbed.  I set up a couple of lanterns on either end of the picnic table and we had a fun picnic dinner with laughter as one of the main courses.

Write a letter

            After dinner, I pulled out a sketch pad and some colored pencils.  We explained to our children that we didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl, so Dad and Mom picked the name Jesse. 

“Now, since we can’t tell Jesse anything directly, let’s write a family letter to Jesse.  I’ll start:  ‘Dear Jesse, even though I’ve never met you or even seen you, I love you & I will miss you very much.  I am grateful that God gave you to us for this little while.’”

“Now, Mom, what would you like to add… Christian… Josiah…” from the oldest child to the youngest.  “Does anyone want to add anything else?”

When all were satisfied with the letter, I passed it around the table for every member of the family to sign.  Then, I said, “Now, let’s decorate it & make it really nice & special for Jesse.”  And every member decorated it however they liked with the colored pencils.  When all of us were satisfied that the letter was complete, it came time for the teachable moment to come to focus.  “We can’t give this letter to Jesse can we?  But, God can.  So, let’s offer this letter to God and ask Him to deliver it to Jesse for us.” 

We moved to the BBQ pit near the table and I had the kids build a small fire in it.  When it was ready, we read about how God collects the prayers of His people in bowls made of gold, & these prayers are incense for Him (Revelation 5.8).  I wanted our prayers and this letter to have a sweet aroma for God, so I sprinkled some cinnamon over the top of it. 

“Oh, yeah.  That does smell good, Dad.”             

So, we all prayed, thanking God again for Jesse and entrusting Jesse to God’s care.  Then we asked God to deliver our letter to Jesse. 

I told my children that what they were going to see was God rolling our letter up into a ball and taking it away.  Then, we allowed the kids to each light a portion of the fire.  It was exciting to watch the paper roll up into a ball as the flame caught at the edges of our letter.

Emotionally, it was an extremely draining exercise.  However, the acting out and the friction were almost completely eliminated and things got back to ‘normal’ after a good night’s rest.  It gave us all a way to “do something” in response to a situation we could do nothing about.  It reassured the children in their helplessness.  It brought our fears, confusion, wounded hearts and tears to the great Comforter.

...and, He comforted us.

Dibs on the bow-line!

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the time that Jesus fell asleep in the back of the boat while His disciples sailed for the far shore after a long day.  A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped, and they were in great danger.

To describe commercial fishermen as bikers with different machines and different wardrobes is not far off the mark.  You’ll not find a tougher breed.

Some of these disciples had grown up on this lake and new it well.  They were commercial fishermen.  These men knew the danger of a sudden storm on the water.  These men had braved them before.  But tonight, these men were afraid for their lives.  Like men driven by fear, they did the only thing they could do.  They panicked and woke up the sleeping guy to save them!

Now, if you’ve never been offshore in rough weather, I will tell you that it drives into you a feeling of terrified helplessness.  It makes you feel small, powerless, feeble, very vulnerable… and frightened.  So, when Jesus wakes up and sees what’s going on, I expect Him to show compassion, sympathy, and to express comforting words to calm their fears.  After all, the storm is real; the danger, looming.

But, this gentle encourager reprimands his frightened friends.  He spanks them.  “Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?”

At this point, I want to rewrite the end of the story.  I want Jesus to stand up confidently and command the storm to cease.  Then, I want to see Him turn to the men and reassuringly say to them, “Don’t you realize that I’m going to take care of you?  Now do you realize it?  Good, then I’m going to finish my nap and you finish the storm.  Let me know when we get there.  Storm, back on!”

Everything would be just as it was; everything, except those men.  They would be transformed.  I can imagine being one of them.  I can imagine yelling, “Dibs on the bow-line!” and fighting for the rope tied to the front of the boat so that I could catch the spray of water in my face when we crashed through each wave.  Then, like a rollercoaster cresting the highest point in the track, we would plummet down the back of the wave with a triumphant, “Yeeeeee-haw!”

But, we cannot rewrite the story.  We must take the spanking in this storm and remember it.  We must keep it fresh, because, there is another storm coming.  There will always be another storm coming.  Some of the storms will be furious squalls that come up quite unexpectedly.  The waves will break over the bow of your boat, so that it is nearly swamped.  And, you may be in great danger.

When, in the terrified helplessness of that storm, you are tempted to panic once again, you must look to see Him.  Fix your eyes on the creator of the storm.  He has the authority to command it to stop, but He has chosen to let it rage against you.  He can be trusted; can you be trusted?  Can you be trusted to cast all of your cares on Him, knowing that He cares for you?

“Don’t you realize that I’m going to take care of you?”  Trust Him.  Put your faith into action.  Exercise your faith.  Put your faith to the test.  You will find that as you trust God in ways you have never had to before, that you will come to know Him in ways you have never known Him before, too.  You will discover an intimacy with God that is only found in storms.  You will discover, too, that as you learn to persevere through the storms, that you become mature and complete.  You will become more and more like Jesus as you draw closer and closer to Jesus.

And, don’t be surprised if storms begin to excite you and you find yourself shouting into the wind and rain, “Dibs on the bow-line!”

As I endure, I mature.

We plant a seed.  We plant a kernel of wheat to get more wheat.  But, we don't get wheat.  Instead, we get a plant - a plant that doesn't even look like wheat.

Our plant needs attention:  resources, and protection, and nurture... and time.  Our initial sacrifice of a kernel of wheat was the small part of the cost, and we still don't have a return on our sacrifice - our investment.  Contrariwise, the cost keeps going up.  Our plant keeps demanding more and more.

This may not seem fair, but it is reality.  It is necessary.  It is required.  We can choose to quit and receive nothing.  We can choose to endure and receive the natural results of the process - 30, 60, or even 100 times as much as we planted.


We plant a kernel of wheat.                           God grows a plant.
We care for the plant.                                     God grows wheat.

 So, what's the point?

I routinely pray, "Lord, I want to know You more, and please make me more like Jesus."  I get trials and temptations of various kinds.  It doesn't look like I got what I was after.  But, then I read in James 1.2-4,

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I want to know Him more.  He gives me opportunity to exercise my faith in Him.
I want to be more like Jesus.  He grows my character through trials and temptations.

As I endure, I mature.

As I endure the trials, I encounter God as He sustains me, encourages me, strengthens me, comforts me.  I come to know Him more intimately.

Perseverance is not the goal.  It is simply the mark of those who love the Lord.  But, perseverance will grow me up.  It will make me more mature and complete... more like Jesus.

I want to know Him more and to be more like Him.

I get trials, and temptations of various kinds.

I seize these opportunities to exercise my faith in Him.

I get to know Him more and become more like Him...

30, 60, or even 100 times as much as before.

my Bucket lists... 1 John 1.9

Suddenly, I realized that I was exhausted.  I was exhausted and could not take another step.  My shoulders, arms, back and even my hands ached.  So, in a heap, I collapsed between the two buckets I had been carrying.  I could not go on.  This was as far as I was going to make it.  Furthermore, though my physical exhaustion was much easier to recognize and identify, I was emotionally spent, as well.

So, at last I began to look around me.  As if for the first time, I noticed that the buckets had something in them.  Oh, I knew they were full, but I had not given any thought as to what they held.  So, from the bucket on my right, I removed a piece of rubble – broken concrete which had no value.  It was about the size of a good cantaloupe and weighed a few pounds.

“Why am I carrying this thing around?  It’s not even mine; it belongs to someone else.  How did it get into my bucket?”  Well, it had been placed in my bucket, so without thinking about it, I carried it.  I had been carrying it faithfully… No.  No, I had been carrying it blindly for at least 6 months now.  But, it did not belong to me, so I threw it away. 

That felt good.

So, I reached back into the bucket and came up with another piece of rubble.  This one didn’t belong to me either, but I had stolen this one.  I felt responsible for this one, so I put it into my own bucket and had carried it ever since.  But, it did not belong to me, so I threw it away. 

That felt good, too.

Over and again I reached into that bucket that was filled with rubble which did not belong to me.  And, one piece at a time, I threw it all away.  I was bewildered that anyone could be dumb enough to carry a bucket like that.  But I had.  When I reached the bottom of the bucket, I didn’t need it anymore, because I had nothing to carry in it.  So, I threw it away, too.  Good?  It felt great!  It was downright liberating.

So, enthusiastically, I turned to the other bucket and removed yet another piece of rubble.  Uh oh, oh no, this one did belong to me.  I did this one and it was my responsibility.  I turned to God, with eyes downcast, “Lord, I did this.  It was nothing but my own selfish pride and I was wrong.  Will You please forgive me?”

You know what?  He did forgive me.  Then, He said, “What else is there in that bucket you’ve been carrying?”

So, I reached back into the bucket and came up with another piece of rubble.  Ouch!  This one not only belonged to me, but it had been worn smooth from frequent use.  I turned to God, with eyes downcast, “Lord, I did this, too.  It was nothing but my own selfish pride and I was wrong.  Will You please forgive me?”

You know what?  He did forgive me.  Then, once again, He said, “What else is there in that bucket?”

Over and again I reached into that bucket that was filled with my own rubble.  And, one by one, I brought them to my heavenly Father.  I confessed each and every one to Him, and I asked Him if there was any way that He could forgive me for yet another item on my list of sins that seemed to grow by the moment.  This was excruciating.  It was humiliating.  But, He did forgive me – one item at a time.  Then, in turn, I threw them all away.  I was bewildered that anyone could be dumb enough to carry a bucket like that for so long.  But I had.

When I reached the bottom of the bucket, I didn’t need it anymore either, because I had nothing left to carry in it.  So, I threw it away, too.  Good?  No, not good.  It felt glorious!

And, there I sat empty-handed, exhausted but refreshed and unhindered by the sins that had so easily entangled me for so long.  God had permitted me to dump them out and He took them away.  I was free - free to take Him by the hand, and He helped me to my feet.  My legs were still a bit wobbly, but I could lean on Him for stability.

When, I finally looked to see where I was, I turned around to discover what should have been no surprise.  That long, arduous journey which took me in so many circles, had, at long last, taken me right back to the cross.  

And, at that moment, it did not enter my mind that
He had taken away the sins of the world.  

All that I could think was that He had taken away mine.

Confidentiality: exceptions

exceptions

Confidentiality:  exceptions

If you want to know specifics of the legal parameters of confidentiality, then you will want to do some research for your particular field and state, but here are the exceptions to confidentiality:

Confidentiality still requires counseling professionals to report three circumstances to authorities (police, state abuse agency, state health board, spouse - to whomever the case concerns):

1. suspecting child abuse or endangering
2. elderly abuse
3. an IMMEDIATE threat to your life or someone else’s life (including the individual)

Counselors, even pastoral counselors should always tell their clients when such information will be released, and to whom.  It may be a useful idea to have some sort of sheet to explain boundaries and expectations for anything resembling formal counseling.  If you have such an instrument, then you will want to explain the exceptions listed above.

I have had to report suspected abuse, and the reporting was a painless process.  After explaining to the client why I was going to report what they told me, I made the phone call while they sat with me.  This permitted them to hear everything I was saying, and permitted me to ask clarifying questions for accuracy.

I was given a reference #, and the name of the individual who took my information, along with her ID #.  I copied this info down along with the date and filed it for future reference.  It’s a good idea, during this interview, to ask what the client can expect from this point forward.  This will allow you to educate them so they can begin to prepare themselves, and minimize their fears.

NOTE:  Staying calm throughout this process and speaking softly and evenly will help the individual to stay calm. 

Deal-Breakers

When someone asks me to do their wedding ceremony, I insist on meeting with them before I commit to do their ceremony.  One area I pry into is deal-breakers.  This usually goes something like this:

“Is there anything in him/her that you cannot live with for the rest of your life?  
Is there anything about him/her that you won’t let your child(ren) live with?”

For example:

-          Abuse:  physical, sexual, verbal, emotional

-          Addictions:  substances, pornography, behaviors, relationships

-          Infidelity:  let’s talk intimacy – physical, emotional, spiritual

For all of these things, repentance is required so that the relationship can be reconciled.  Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but, reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.  If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.

I can only recommend courses of action.  I cannot force anyone to do anything.  Also, these are very general, because the details will vary dramatically from one relationship to another. 

For pre-marital counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the other individual(s).  If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  If there is infidelity (physical), then I recommend the relationship be ended now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  Notice that I refer to them as, “Deal-Breakers.”

For marriage counseling, if there are any of the issues of abuse listed above, especially the physical or sexual, then I recommend separation now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include calling the Police, an attorney, and a counselor(s) who is able to provide long-term counseling.  The boundaries will include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If any of the addictions listed above are involved, then I recommend help now and boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  These may include separation, detox clinic, AA (or equivalent), counseling (individual and together), accountability to a handful of hand-picked men (including financial accountability to account for every dollar).  Accountability software is a great idea if the computer is used to feed any addiction(s).  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

If there is infidelity (physical or emotional), then I recommend boundaries be put into place to protect the victim(s).  This may include separation, a restraining order, financial support of the family, scrutinizing the phone records, access to all areas of the computer (including passwords), counseling (individual and together), and accountability to a handful of hand-picked men in the church.  There will also be specific, measurable goals to be met prior to ending the separation, as well as goals to work at after ending the separation.

For all of these things, repentance is required
so that the relationship can be reconciled.

Repentance does not insure reconciliation, but,
reconciliation is not possible without repentance.  

Note that repentance does not mean that everything is alright.
If everything was alright, then there would be no need for repentance.